The Gentlemen's Bios (with classy photos, song titles & just a nice, warm word or two on each individual……)
Look The art of Embarrassing cunts that need to be embarrassed. Lads we have used our creative writing skills and some stories to make these pen picks. Each includes a song that we think best reflects your personality. If you’re not happy with yours…...please read some of the others.
Cormac Logan - You Got a Friend in Me - Randy Newman Lurch from Adams Family. Funemployment has not been his friend, leading the top spends at Muddy's. Cormac actually left his job because it paid better to become Alan Keogh's official full-time carer. Took his sword tattoo from the “Bonestorm” logo in the Simpson.
C onor Walsh - Maneater - Nelly Furtardo Surprisingly this Conor hasn't been cast for a SpecSavers advert. His art of deception even has him wondering which direction the ball will leave his hands. Ferocious defensive style seeing him right up the backside of any full forward.
Gerry Murphy - I Wanna Fight your Father Rubberbandits When not playing the triangle in a Trad band, Gerry was the original American Vandal. His skills at drawing up a triumphant veiny penis have Ryan McEnaney asking where he got his inspiration from. The scar on his face is from fighting a traveller to get the last Limerick Post
Shane Buttimer - Miley Cyrus - Wrecking ball This striving artist is yet to hitting the big Asian chats with his hit single 'hey now hey now Trolan’. Yvonne is his minder and gets a subsidy from the government as compensation. He has recently picked up conversational mandarin, from just constantly haggling with the uncle's in the Singapore pools. Shane’s highbrow humor is well known, his party piece involves picking up a TV and smashing it on the floor.
Gregory Mascavage - Randy Savage tune A likely voter for Trump. Gregg had been absent in recent weeks due to his undying devotion to spreading the word of fake News. LinkedIn tells us his skills include bricklaying and believing CNN. Very nervous around Brian Minton as he thinks he is a Communist or some sort of Mexican.
Bryan Dornan - McDonald’s theme tune This attractive Ronald McDonald avoids training because he's scared someone will steal his virginity. Currently In a monogamous relationship with James Devane and half the Irish population of Singapore. Has a flare for exhibitionism at pre-drinks (aka battering Cliodhna's tonsils like a speedball on the casting couch)
Kevin Buckley- Breathless - the Corrs In it for the beers. You know if Kev is coming to represent the country of Singapore in Gaelic football that he is coming for a minimum for 40 pints. This proud Cork Boaaaay is soon to be following his more successful partner to a place of her choosing.
Kieran Sasiadek - Come out ye Black and Tans, Likes - colonising countries and violently oppressing the natives Dislikes- Michael Collins, images of old scrotums, people referring to Londonderry as Derry. Tooth to gum ratio for the radio. Marrying into an Irish family to maintain his allegiance to the Union.
Dominic Mills - One Night in Bangkok Likes to be thought of as a bit of shagger but refuses to do anything other than hold hands until the fifth date. Ever since moving into supporting poor homeless travellers Dom's back has never been the same.
Alan Keogh - Space Oddity- David Bowie Hoi has her work cut out looking after Marvin the Martian. It is told that he'd still be eating pot noodles raw if she hadn't come along. To Alan's buddy at the court session…. may the odds forever be in your favour.
Gareth O’Brien - Forever Young - Special D Still on the hunt for the fountain of youth (somewhere inside the bar of Dragonfly). So riddled with sexually transmitted infections that each one’s symptoms are being counteracted by another one. Famous for saying ‘you can't catch a STI if you don't get tested’
Patrick O'Keeffe - Horse Outside - Rubberbandits After the unsuccessful launch as a fluffer in a stage show earlier this year, Pa is back playing knacker tricks in defence. Was dared by Podge Dineen to grow his beard to become an advocate for alopecia anonymous.
Padraig Corbett - Take A Chance on Me - ABBA From a part of the country that doesn't have any talent. Corby rubbed his way through Physio school and has the technique of a milk maid with hands as soft as a foreskin. Is so scared someone in Asia will steal his identity he takes his passport swimming with him
Mark Neville - Words Don't come easy to Me - Glams Unlike a victim being chased by a non-gender specific horrible movie character Marky doesn't shout for help. Instead he calmly smiles and unlocks his chastity belt. #metoo
Tom Kennedy - Money Money Money - ABBA Tom 'Money’ Kennedy recently set the record for the world's longest time aroused without medication as Limerick charged to their first all-Ireland since ‘73. Renowned for his generous tipping at the Towers on a night out.
Peter O'Brien - Baby Shark The kid in class that couldn’t sit still and ate worms, in need of sedatives. Like a Gremlin he is not allowed to be fed Sunny Delight or Buckfast. Pretends he isn’t British, but this Margaret Thatcher sympathiser couldn't be more in support of a physical border. Catchphrase 'WWMTD'
Kevin McCabe - Iceland Clap Tune Straight off the set of Vikings. Kev's rare limited-edition David Beckham Predator boots haven't improved his game well enough to make it out if goals. Never mind…. His dodgy shoulders having him moonlighting as a Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm- Flailing Tubeman
James McDonald - Heart Skips a Beat - Olly Murs Currently in search of an effective hair thinning remedy, even tried adding fresh manure to his shampoo, much to the chagrin of his housemates. Still holds a candle for his ex, makes up for the loneliness by posting photos on Instagram of wordy novels next to a macchiato in hipster coffee shops. Favourite Spice - Paprika.
Jack Allen - Linger - Cranberries Most uncoordinated daddy long legs in the team. Jack prides himself on skipping; legs, arms, chest and back day. This hungry bastard can be found in the back of the snug at McG******* claim loyalty to #roastwars.
Kyle Mulvee - Swing Ya Beard - Beardyman A cork man with similarity to Mick Buckley...in looks alone. Favourite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to - Horse and Hound. Claim to fame is that he can eat a 4-finger kit kat without chewing.
Ryan McEnaney- Married Man - Every Bus Ride Taken over the mantle of angry dictator from McGinley but doesn’t have a nasty bone in him, so all his threats are empty. Man child so can’t be taken seriously, like a chihuahua barking. Collects WWE cards to hope one day pass to another simpleton. Ryan doesn’t need to save for a ring because Sarah has already picked it up.
James Devane - Dreaming of you the Coral Misses Jen, has had all of his love poetry returned. Currently on a hiatus from dating because no one swiped right. Can be heard from his room singing “unbreak my heart”. Always wearing Miami Heat basketball gear, “always been a big fan of The Bron and NFL”. His strategy of diving head first into Bush this year hasn’t been so successful…. boy he misses Jen.
Diarmuid Nolan - Dark Horse Katy Perry Dresses like a geography teacher and gets an erection at the mention of longshore drift and oxbow lakes. The youngest brother of the 4 Nolan Sisters, an eternal disappointment to the family but always in the mood for dancing.
Justin La Spina - Superfreak- SUPERfreak Bangs the drums for Gan Ainm…. that’s all he bangs. Desperate for the band to play Ricky Martin’s “Living La Vida Loca” but change it to “Living La Spina Loca”.
Nil of note
Conor King - Dancing Queen - Abba Weirdly talented a most things. Looks like a troubled circuit magician. Con is so looking forward to Bangkok that he booked his return flight for January 2019 and he is already choosing a victim to help him pour the Pina Colada in the wrong end.
James Drudy - Common People - Pulp Plays for SCC, hasn’t known the price of a pint of Milk since 1989 when he got stuck in a lift with his butler and tried to make small talk. Refers to everyone else as “the help”.
Liam McGinley - Simply the best- Tina Turner Loves Rangers. Has a weekly standing appointment at the barbers every Wednesday morning for the high and tight. Gets on really well with all his teammates. Now is avoiding gluten and dairy…. still a prick.
Aaron McCallum - No More Catholics -Trainspotting 2 No shoulder for bit of physicality. Loves to claim FREEDOM but voted no. Will only eat food if it’s first deep fried, thinks Iron Bru and Tennents lager are vitamin drinks. To commemorate the Battle of Boyne he has 1690 tattooed on his left butt cheek. Only got that fanny ear ring to remind him of his heroin addict hero Mark Renton.
Kieran Moriarty - Sharp Dressed Man ZZ Top Dentist and technically a doctor, but if you have a heart attack don’t ask for this guy. With the conversation of a dentist, his chat is like pulling teeth. From Tralee, thrown out of the Rose contest for touching himself.
Darragh Lenihan - Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus Uses dogs as a pussy magnets When not talking about himself can be found chasing the curly mutt around any social events. Currently training for CrossFit games in the category of; ex semi-professional vegan atheist with low self-esteem that just wants to be loved.
Michael Mc Cannon - With or Without you - U2
Recently caught in Taipei with a rendition of U2. Please follow the link for confirmation.
Stephen Whooley - Ruby - Kaiser Chiefs Can down a shot in one go. This autistic quiz sponge is AWOL from training most of the year because of his need to know how many grains of sand are on Sentosa beach. Rumour has it Whooley spends so much time under the thumb of Lidl that he has a vitamin D deficiency. ‘If I was fit, I could makes the C’s’
Ben Kirwan - I Bruise Easily - Natasha Bedinfeild Always battling back from injury. Ben has to be the least valuable member of Changi hospital since Singapore was under Japanese invasion. Always smiling because of the morphine high.
Stephen Swords - Hips don't Lie - Shakira Would have played county if it wasn’t for the drink. Uses same footwork to get round the back of a defender as he does during his courtship dances to get round the back of drunken young ladies. Looks like a Shetland pony. Claims to have played basketball for Ireland…. he is talking out his Hole.
William ‘Of Orange’ Sexton - Royal Britanya Massively right wing and Brexiteer, only in Singapore until all the foreigners are kicked out of England. Trains whales to jump through hoops.
Padraic Byrne - Fuck me Gently - Tenacious D Always taking the last Tunnocks Tea Cake and finishing the milk…. prick. Goes searching for mermaids, tends to harpoon whales. Sex drive of a giant Panda. Nicknamed PB not because of his initials, but because during his teenage years he would smear Peanut Butter on his genitals then call the family Labrador.
Killian Daly - Get the Oil - Edmund Desoto Only recently stopped Bitty, withdrawal symptoms had him in A&E for a ‘septic penis swelling’. His dive on BQ at the lads bonding nearly had the police showing him a red card for assimilation. Once did a physical impression of the Merlion in the Amazing race because he can’t handle his drink.
Daithi Murphy - Scooby Doo Tune Pretends to be feminist in order to get laid. Claims to have edgy political views but only reads the Daily Mail Online. Started playing Aussie rules to finally get a shot at playing in the A team. Favourite political comic - the Beano. Thinks Rohingya is a type of curry.
Enda Clarke - Weirdo by Vaccines The phantom helmet shitter of Hong Kong. A goatee Stalin would be proud of.
Darragh Frost - Special - DJ Sammy Hobbies; being pleasured by strangers in Zoukout and entering chat rooms based on fake news about 'the abusive Irish clergy men’. Is the planets 4th highest consumer of cigarettes after; China, India and the smoking area in Coppers. Heir to the Mr Frosty crushed ice fortune.
Samuel Hutchinson - Basketcase - Green Day Shit tattoo gives you the coordinates to the cow shed/ brothel where he lost his virginity. This bar-fly is dating an Eastern European girl because the legal age is different outside the EU. Benefits of this include actually getting served at the bar in McG******* and only having stories that relate to that bar. #ageofconsent
Paul Doherty - Timber Pitbull Loves chasing a small white ball around a field with a stick...not hurling though, a protestant sport. Disagrees with the putting the aircon on if anyone is still wearing clothes
Tadhg Lowe - Black Sheep - Metric Finally a man that can handle dropping balls. Wasting everyone's time by pretending he isn’t a goalie, needs to get back between the sticks like the other lonely sad acts. Looks very innocent but get very handsy once he’s had a WKD blue.
Conor Dickson - If I were a Boy - Beyoncé The only white man in Asia to wear full length tights for fashion and not performance. Moonlights as soccer mom ferrying his girlfriend and her puppies to brunch dates while he sits in the car cutting up coupons for discounts at Daiso. Favourite reality show is ‘What Not to Wear’.
Neil Corrigan - Sober - Demi Lovato Acts like he is a nice guy but on weekends he drowns stray cats in barrels of puppy tears. Part of an NWA tribute band touring West Africa this Christmas.
Conor Robbins - I love Gary Hanniffy (personal poem) Offaly have contacted the Irish embassy in Singapore confirming their non-return policy on their village idiot. Conor is new to Singapore but will likely catch AIDS before the year's end.
Mick Brennan - Mr Bombastic - Shaggy A voice that only a mother could love.
Niall Walsh - Steal My Sunshine - Len Picture of health and athletic prowess. Big mouth but all farts no poo.
Brian Flynn - Sexy Back - Justin Timberlake Kept man, hasn’t brought a penny into the household since getting married. Niamh makes him dress in some lacey knickers while he does the vacuum cleaning.
Patrick Kehoe - Fuck you CeeLo Green Legs and ass to die for but is scared of getting an ouchy. Will avoid contact at any cost. Reining Dick of the Day. Only man brave enough to coach a women's team.
Cormac O’Muircheartaigh - Dr Jones - Vengaboys Purchased his medical license from a Thai fella on Koh San Road. Singapore’s version of Harold Shipman, and prescribes a pre-match Elixir to pep him up, contains 2 parts espresso, 3 parts cocaine, 2 parts epinephrine, 1 part goji berry, and a dash of mint. Rather than a getting a championship haircut, he pops into Maybelle’s and gets a bit of Nip and Tuck with a few shots of Botox to maintain his somewhat youthful look.
Derek Cahill - Rolf Harris Two little boys Not yet convicted but a verdict gives clear motives to fraudulent use of club assets to get frequent flyer points. Recent events proved he's not firing blanks. Despises Tadhg for stealing his 1st team goalie spot when it was within his reach, will sodomise him with a didgeridoo when he gets the chance.
Ryan McAnearney - Mr Vain - Culture Beat His Miss's takes selfies for work...Rhino takes selfies because 'how else would he get on the short list for Mr Vain’. Has quickly taken to Asia by buying a douchey scooter and posting pictures of his food. This Johnny Bravo wannabe is one to watch at this year's court session.
Tim Schibli - All I ever wanted - Basshunter A Bogan that isn't named Marty or Wadey. An unknown entity but likely to be carrying a big weapon. Still battling to control the predictable bounce of a round ball.
Martin Carey - Dirty - Christine Agulerra Bogan. Living in his wife’s shadow. Has the politest insults which make you respect his strong relationship with the gender equality movement.
Kenneth Savage - Tribute Tenacious D A myth? A legend? No one can confirm but if fables are true, he has done so much riding he doesn't have enough fluid to climax. His climax sounds like a COPD patient after climbing stairs. This dirty old bastard Comes over from Ireland to play each year to smash brass.
Gary Hanniffy - Amnesia 5 Seconds of Summer Apparently used to be half decent, now a has-been. Legs like tree trunks, head is now hollow as a bamboo shoot as too many hits to head during hurling.
Adam 'the grenade’ Wade - Footloose Kenny Loggins Bogan from rural New South Wales. Spent his youth “interfering with” Koalas and blowing the heads off kangaroos with exploding head bullets. Continually caught sniffing women's shoes. Makes a Savage strawberry daiquiri ladies.
Matt Cornwell - Mr Know it all - Kelly Clarkson Scouser stealing supplies from work and only wears tracksuits. Second only to Dennis Rodman in leading the diplomatic mission to North Korean to discuss starting a Manchester United supporters club in Pyongyang.
Aidan Crowley - Blow my Whistle Baby - DJ Aligator Straight from an A-Ha video on MTV rumour has it Crowley wakes at 330am to style his hair for the day. With the grace of a ballerina but the look of a line-backer, his Morecambe and Wise warm up will soon see us on Punk'd. Former member of the US gymnastics team and worked closely with Dr. Larry Nassar.
Court Session Buddies:
- David Betney | Liam McGinley
- Alan Keogh | Aidan Crowley
- Ryan McAnearney | James Devane
- Peter O’Brien | William Sexton
- Shane Buttimer | Conor King
- Conor Walsh | Gerry Murphy
- Derek Cahill | Tadhg Lowe
- Stephen Swords | Paddy Kehoe
- Martin Carey | Kieran Sasiadek
- Ryan McEnaney | Gareth O’Brien
- Sam Hutchinson | Aaron McCallum
- Daithi Murphy | Stephen Whooley
- James Macdonald | Niall Walsh
- Darragh Lenihan | Stephen Moran
- Ben Kirwan | Dom Mills
- Mick McCannon | Cormac Logan
- Brian Flynn | PB
- Jack Allen | Mick Brennan
- Enda Clarke | Conor Robbins
- Neil Corrigan | Paul Doherty
- Darragh Frost | Conor Dickson
- Padraig Corbett | Ken Savage
- James Drudy | Justin LaSpina
- Cormac O’Muir | Kieran Moriarty
- Tim Schibli | Kevin McCabe
- Greg Mascavage | Kilian Daly
- Diarmuid Nolan | Kyle Mulvee
- Tom Kennedy | Mark Neville
- Patrick O’Keefe | Bryan Dornan